Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
