we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
