I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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