dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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