Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
