You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Randomize