it wasn't lemon gatorade
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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