the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
