I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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