I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
