i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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