one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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