she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
It's just like the Real World with babies
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
