Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
