hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
