Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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