My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
