guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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