Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
