he puts the penis in happiness.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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