Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
