I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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