Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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