She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
