At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
