tell your sister to shave her snatch
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
He did a backflip because drugs
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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