I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Randomize
