my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
