Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
