worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Randomize
