we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
The cops high fived after they tackled you
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
