So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
