he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
