remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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