I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
