there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
