I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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