The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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