The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
The ass gains better be worth it
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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