no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
