I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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