My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
