a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
