Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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