I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
