I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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