I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
