I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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