Betty ford says i'm here all night
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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