my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
