We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
