just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I see more hoeing in ur future
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
