i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
