I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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