k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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