someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
