last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
