Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
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