Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
