I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Dick very happy bro
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize