dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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