shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
