mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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