Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
