Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize