a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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