highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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