you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
