I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
