EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
