He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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