I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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