My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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