I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
