so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
