the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
