I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
