nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
